Stone Cold Bloggin', X-mas Style 12/24/07

SEASON'S GREETINGS! (Or as Michael Scott might say, SKI-SON'S GREETINGS .... sorry I couldn't find a picture of the card Michael made when he photoshopped his face onto his girlfriend's ex-husband's face in a ski trip picture with her family.)
















HO!













HO!










HO!













PIMP!

PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!!!

All right, I'll be back in full swing doing some posts in a couple days, but in the meantime here are some videos and links to keep you busy.

VIDS!

Staying with the theme of Michael Scott, here is an outstanding Michael Scott Tribute video done to Five for Fighting's "Superman" ....



I'm not a huge fan of hip hop. I dabble a little bit, but for the most part rap music gives me quite the inferiority complex, seeing as I don't have a pimped out ride, a pimped out crib, 1000 ho's on speed dial, or even a posse. But finally there is a rap for us, the Everyday Normal Guy. FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID!!!

Check this one out. Apparently, an Arkansas TV station had a guest on their show who was trying to help make Bobby Petrino look like less of a scumbag by telling a story about how Coach Carpetbag visited his son in the hospital after his son was mauled by a dog. Be patient and wait for the runaway winner for Insensitive Comment of the Year by whoever the anchorman buffoon is.

LINKS!

• Grading coaches on a Saban Scale. I like it. [CNNSI.com]
• I'm a sucker for anything that highlights the stereotypes of old school wrestling gimmicks. One nitpick - they left out the token "Samoan with head so hard that head butts have no effect on them", for which I'd have chosen Afa. Wild Samoan #1. [Food Court Lunch]
• Woman arrested for flashing the jumbotorn at Grizzlies game. And I thought Kisscam couldn't be topped. [Awful Announcing]
• Want to know what your "one word Brazilian name" would be? Click here. [Minimals World]
• Floyd Mayweather kisses and makes up with the Oompa Loompas. [TMZ]
• There is a blog whose name is attributed to Festivus. Needless to say, it is now stored on my netvibes. [Airing of the Grievances]
• Anyone looking for fuel to the fire that the SEC may be a tad overrated. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin' [Wizard of Odds]
• NFL draft preview season is now upon us, where every Mel, Todd, and Petey will crank out their mock drafts, updated by the minute or whenever one of the top 300 prospects breaks wind, whichever happens first. Here's one man's opinion of the top 32. [CBS Sportsline]

Merry Christmas to all and to those of you in Canada a very happy Boxing Day!

BOWL SEASON IS HERE!

Bowl season is upon us! And you know what that means! ERIN ANDREWS FRONTAL!!!


ERIN ANDREWS BACKAL!!!


ERIN ANDREWS SIDE-AL!!!


Did we mention Erin Andrews, BACKAL?


ERIN ANDREWS GETTING UP ON A HOAGIE!!!


And just double checking, we did mention FRONTAL, right?



....and Backal?


SO HOLD ON TIGHT!!!!


...and get your GAME FACE ON!!!


Because it's gonna be a fun ride!!!

SEE YA NEXT TIME!!!

I'd Hate To Be the Cop Who Had to Arrest Oak

Yesterday was Charles Oakley's birthday. It was also Stone Cold Steve Austin's birthday, so on our show the talk turned briefly into "Who would win between Oakley and Stone Cold?" After taking about 2.5 seconds to determine Oakley would squash Stone Cold with two punches, the talk turned to "Is there anyone out there who could take down Oak?" About fifteen minutes of debate turned up only one name, and that was General Zod who is a fictitious character.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, Oak was popped for DUI yesterday, perhaps celebrating his birthday a little too hard. The picture to the left is his mug shot. That is not the look of a man who is fearing legal bills and possible time behind bars. Not at all. In fact, this looks like a man who can't wait to relive the Sean Penn "sodas in pillow case" ambush in "Bad Boys" when he gets to his cell. The only difference is that instead of throttling two dimestore thugs, Oakley will throttle about fifty mass murderers and drug dealers, and instead of using a soda-filled pillow case he will be using his fists. I think the threat of Oak in prison dealing out his brand of justice is just what we need to reduce the crime rate. But maybe that's just me ....

HO-EY 101

Those of you who had the -2000 moneyline on "One of the Spears girls will test positive for pregnancy in 2007" can cash your tickets in. You were bailed out yesterday and it came from an unlikely source -- Britney's little sis Jamie Lynn. (Of course, "unlikely" is a relative term when it comes to the Spears girls. Whereas Britney seemed like a mortal lock to conceive a child on a table in a Starbucks while slurping on a frappucino in 2007, I'd say the odds on Jamie Lynn getting knocked up in 2007 were a little bit longer -- like somewhere around "Lindsay Lohan goes to rehab".)

At any rate, a lot of us saw Jamie Lynn as the next great hope to take over the mantle of "World's #1" that her sister inexplicably decided to vacate in the last few years amidst a sea of cigarette butts, cellulite, and bad music. And now those hopes and dreams are dashed.

The only thing left to watch now is to see if Jamie Lynn can outskank Britney, and I have to say that getting pregnant before she can vote is about as solid a first move as JL could have. Of course, she needs to realize that she's going up against the Master and that she'll need to bring her A-game. This is a good start. Britney started cranking out inadvertent offspring in her early 20's; Jamie Lynn is basically saying "Yeah, well watch this!" and cranking one out in her teens - and outside of wedlock, no less!! Well played!!

My plea to Jamie Lynn -- don't stop there. If you're NOT going to take the Next Hot Pop Star baton, then please, please, PLEASE strive to out-trainwreck your sister. Britney had two pregnancy mistakes with K-Fed; you go have five -- with five DIFFERENT guys. Britney guzzles whipped cream and frozen coffee by the quart; you go guzzle it by the gallon -- and chase it with a double-double animal-style. Britney runs over the foot of a paparazzi in her Mercedes; you go rent a Hummer and mow them down like a John Deere tractor in a wheat field.

Basically, I'm asking you to become the Pedro Martinez to Britney's Ramon. We all remember Ramon Martinez, Dodger phenom who won 20 games in 1990 and went on to become a solid to sometimes spectacular starting pitcher throughout the early 90's. Then in 1994 along came his brother Pedro, who decided to take his brother's game and amp it up about 1,000-fold. Three Cy Young's and 200+ wins later, we all know how that turned out.

So Jamie Lynn, it's all right there for you. You are Pedro. Zoey is dead. It's Ho-ey time! Make it happen.

BONUS VIDEO



"My sister is a handful. We are soooo different." Uh, not really.

Waiting Patiently for the Mug Shot

The woman to the left is Alycia Lane. She is best known for the following four things:

(1) She is an award winning newscaster in Philadelphia.

(2) She was once married to minor league baseball player Dino Calandriello, and actually discussed their failing marriage with him on the Dr. Phil Show. (Wow, people actually do that? Those aren't actors?)

(3) She struck up a friendship with NFL Network host Rich Eisen by peppering him with bikini-clad pictures of herself.

(4) A few days ago, she took exception to a slow moving, unmarked police car in front of the taxi she was riding in, so she did what any of us would do -- she got out and belted the female police officer driving the car across the face and called her a "dyke".

I post this story for three reasons:

(1) If any of you find her mug shot on line, I demand that you email it to me.

(2) If things don't work out in Philly on the heels of the cop-punching, I would like to extend an invitation to Alycia to ply her trade here in Houston. All of our female news anchors here in town are soft, likable, "family woman" types. We could use a monster heel to come in and crack some skulls. "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!! ALYCIA LANE JUST HIT DOMINIQUE SACHSE WITH THAT STEEL CHAIR!!!"

(3) When I got into broadcasting, I wrote down a list of goals. "Receiving unsolicited bikini-clad photos from local news anchor" was not on that list. Until today.

Tiger Will Bludgeon You With His Little Finger

In light of the Mitchell Report, I don't know what to think about this photo. It's as if Tiger has become a cyborg and the devious scientist who created him decided to screw David Boston's arms to Tiger's torso. Given the following, however, I'm pretty sure Tiger is clean:

(1) He's about ten majors ahead of anybody who would be considered a remote threat to his reign over all things golf. He could smoke two packs a day and eat chili cheese fries every meal and still break the Golden Bear's record for majors by 2010.

(2) His head appears to still be the same size as it was when he was the skinny kid in the red shirt in 1997. Call this the Barry Test.

Really, the question is this: What would happen if Tiger and Tim Tebow decided to throw hands?

I'm convinced it would be like the last 45 minutes of Transformers where the entire city got torn to shreds by the giant robots fighting each other, and it was really hard to figure out who won.

In the end, there would be no winners. And in fact the real losers would be everyone living in the path of Tiger v Tebow.

Sickest Move Ever

Ok, this is the sickest hockey move I've ever seen ....



The best part of this video? The kid is from Texas! I thought that Darwinism had made it genetically impossible for kids born in Texas to do anything revolving around sports that take place in less than 90 degree heat. Apparently, I was wrong.

Last night at the Ragin Cajun, I was involved in a spirited discussion with Raheel Ramzanali and former Houston Oiler Gregg Bingham where Bingham said the Civil War (and any war, for that matter) was about quality of life -- as opposed to, say, slavery. I think this theory will soon be put to the test when the Great White North decides to reprise the Civil War so they can take back hockey. I mean the South has stolen the Minnesota North Stars and the Hartford Whalers ... and now the signature 9 year old hockey highlight has been provided by a kid who probably has posters of Tony Romo and Dirk Nowitski on his wall. YEEEEEE-HAAAAAHHH!!!!

BATTLE GAME - Vin Diesel v. Alfonso Ribeiro

In an earlier post, I went with a "Before They Were Stars" theme for a few of the video links. Well, those videos got me so nostalgic, I started thinking back to the dawn of the Breakdancing Era -- where nylon warm-up suits became high fashion, guys who could contort their bodies in noodle-like shapes became icons, and the turntable miraculously extended its own usefulness by another ten years by becoming, of all things, an instrument. Make no mistake, breakdancing was quite the rage, even if I did live in a predominantly white suburb where there were only two kids in the whole school who could moonwalk without tearing a hamstring. In fact, I think we had three kids die trying to do the Centipede at the Homecoming Dance my sophomore year, but I digress.

Indeed, our thirst for all things breakdancing was insatiable back in the 80's, not unlike our thirst for a young Justine Bateman or even a 20-something Lisa Whelchel. And it was the "You Can Breakdance, Too, Whitey!!" commercials that gave us suburban folk hope -- hope that we could overcome our honkiness and our God-given physical rigidity to learn how to breakdance merely by watching a VHS tape or reading a book. Before Tom Emanski and Fred McGriff were teaching every Chip, Neil, and Vinny how to field ground balls by popping in a video tape, Mark Vincent (who would go on to become Vin Diesel!) and Alfonso Ribeiro (who would go on to become Carlton on "Fresh Prince"!) took a generation of suburban whiteys under their wings and tried to teach us how to break and pop without maiming ourselves. The results were mixed at best, but thanks to Youtube the legendary commercials live on.

So which 80's breakdancing commercial do you favor? A young Mark Vincent, a/k/a Vin Diesel?




Or "Breakin' and Poppin'" with Alfonso Riberio, a/k/a Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"?



Now, if I'm not mistaken, these videos came out before white people were actually allowed to breakdance. Many of you will forget that until the late 1980's, much like baseball segregation earlier in the 1900's, white people were banished to dancing events of our own. Instead of breakdancing with our African American friends, we white folk were forced to gather in our friends' basements and jump up and down to Journey or AC-DC while biting our lower lips and drinking keg beer. However, let's pretend that in 1985 we were all equals and allowed to breakdance publicly. Which breakin' commercial makes you want to become Luke Moonwalker? Diesel or Ribeiro?

Let's assess this one, point by point:

ATTIRE: Diesel is styling and ready to go rip up some pavement. He goes with the blue warm-up and stylish headband, a breakdancing staple back in the 80's. Alfonso goes with the Michael Jackson "Beat It" red leather jacket, a cross-dressing staple back in the 80's. EDGE: DIESEL.

TANGIBLE PROOF OF SKILLS: When you invest $19.99 (or "less than $20!" according to mathematician Ribeiro) in your breakdancing educational materials, you'd like to be inspired by the pitchman and know that he can actually execute some of the maneuvers he touts as being central to the learning process. Diesel is very clearly performing some of the difficult ground moves as well as the upright, hand gesture thingy moves; you can actually see his face and know it's him. Conversely, it is very difficult to discern on Ribeiro's video if that is actually him breakdancing or if it's a stunt double. The dude doing the windmill is like 6'-4", so it's quite possible it's the same stunt double that performed the football scenes for a young Forrest Whitaker in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". I'd like to think it was Ribeiro, but knowing how white he became as Carlton in the 1990's, my doubt is justified. EDGE: DIESEL.

BACKGROUND MUSIC: Diesel goes with a standard Curtis Blow joint, complete with numerous references to "Sucka MC's". I always wanted to be a Sucka MC, but sadly I'll never get that chance. Blow even slipped a "Sheila E" reference in there, which was nice. Ribeiro has generic beats going in the background of the commercial, but the promise of the 2-album superset RAP ATTACK is a genius tease that leaves us wanting more. EDGE: RIBEIRO.

PRESENTATION: This is clearly where Ribeiro excels, as his zippy graphics depicting the words "moonwalk" and "centipede" make me not only want to breakdance like it's 1985, but they make me want to sell my car and use these maneuvers for getting around town. Diesel's graphics make me feel like I'm watching an interruption by the Emergency Broadcast System. Also, the homoerotic overtones of Diesel's partner doing the worm through Diesel's legs are disturbing, to say the least. EDGE: RIBEIRO.

EXTRAS: Ribeiro, ever the marketing genius, effectively trounces Diesel in sheer quantity of superfluous material. While Diesel's commercial looks solid enough, how can he really expect to compete with a the sizzle of a Breakin' Board, an instructional poster, and a detailed book? The RAP ATTACK double album is effectively Ribeiro running up the score with garbage touchdowns. However, MAJOR negative points to Ribeiro for catering to parents by saying that his system is the "safe way to break and pop, not the things you shouldn't try". Fuck you and your gay Michael Jackson jacket, Alfonso!! I WANT to do the dangerous shit!!! Teach me the dangerous shit, DAMMIT!!! NOW!!!! EDGE: EVEN.

SUMMARY: Ribeiro's overall package looks like it is better equipped to teach me to break and pop, but knowing what I know now, I'm so afraid Vin Diesel would kick my ass, I'd probably buy his stuff just to stay out of the hospital.

VERDICT: BREAKDANCING SUCKS

Stone Cold Bloggin', 12/14/07

It sounds like Andy Pettitte has come clean about his use of Human Growth Hormone saying that he used it twice in 2002 to speed up his recovery from an elbow injury. I'm not entirely surprised at Pettitte's admission. By all accounts, he's a decent guy and probably sensitive to whatever criticism was continuing to fester until he answered the allegations in the Mitchell Report. Good for him for admitting it, apologizing to those who feel like they needed an apology, and moving on.

How this effects his legacy remains to be seen. I think the public will be forgiving, especially when you juxtapose Pettitte's accountability next to others' silence or denials (more on that in a minute). As for the Hall of Fame, Pettitte was a borderline case even before all of this came up. His stats and accomplishments are very similar to Curt Schilling's, and Pettitte probably will end up pitching a few more years than Schilling (and presumably pile up more wins). (That's not to say that Schilling is a definite Hall of Famer, but I think people debate about Schilling's inclusion more than they do Pettitte and my point is that if you think Schilling is a Hall of Famer, then Pettitte is right there, too.)

The juicier subplot in Pettitte's admission is what this does to his BFF, Roger Clemens. Clemens' denial is pretty steadfast in that it appears he is saying that the Mitchell Report is bunk and that he hasn't taken steroids or any performance enhancing drugs at all. EVER. It also paints Brian McNamee as sort of a government rat, trying to avoid federal prosecution by throwing Clemens under the bus. Now Pettitte is essentially validating the couple of pages in the Mitchell Report that pertained to him, and along with it he is validating McNamee, at least as pertains to his dealings with him. So are we to believe that McNamee was telling the truth about his dealings with Pettitte, but was completely fabricating everything about Clemens? That's a hard one to swallow. I'm not indicting Roger yet, but one more big brick in the wall fell out today.

Also, I found David Justice's appearence on the Colin Cowherd show on Friday quite hilarious. If you didn't hear it, Justice spent the entire appearance trying to refute the allegations in the Mitchell Report, which consisted of Kirk Radomski selling him HGH after the 2000 World Series, and Justice discussing HGH with Brian McNamee during his time with the Yankees. Part of Justice's self-defense consisted of basically trash talking himself, citing his shitty performance in 2001 (.246, 18 HR, 51 RBI in 111 games) as proof that there's no way he could've been on any performance-enhancing drugs. I just found it very humorous that for years some players have campaigned for their inclusion in the Baseball Hall of Fame by citing their superior stats, and now in 2007 we have players citing their dog shit stats to try and gain figurative exclusion from the Mitchell Report. Strange days, indeed.

Ok, now onto some time wasters for all of you ....

LINKS (I won't sleep until one of you gets fired)

• Anna Rawson, Aussie model and golfer, just qualified for the LPGA! Women's golf just became more watchable. [Golf Now]
• A study at BYU (!) indicates that young women are more accepting of porn. (And in a related story, applications for admission at BYU quadruple.) [Salt Lake City Tribune]
• An interesting angle on Kevin Young's steroid use. (Damn, whatever happened to that guy?) [Where is Andy Van Slyke]
• ADDICTIVE GAME ALERT - If you get fired for playing this nine hours a day at work, don;t blame me. I warned you. [The Map Game]
• The 33 best Beer Pong tables ever created. Totally sweet. [Pongalong]
• Jerry Jones interhects himself into the Arkansas coaching search. (Satire alert) [College Game Balls]
• The 9 Most Humiliating Sports Moments on video. [Holy Taco]

VIDEO (as if the drunk chick post below wasn't enough)

BEFORE THEY WERE STARS EDITION!!!

DICK VITALE
Check out Dick Vitale back in 1986! I believe the thick windows attached to his head are his glasses. It's strange seeing him so calm and measured in his analysis. If you've ever wondered what 2007 Dickie V would be like if were sedated in a dentist's chair, go ahead and play this video. (Youtube disabled embedding this video into my blog so click here to view it.)

SIMON COWELL
Before he became the resident curmudgeon on "American Idol", Simon Cowell was a contestant on the UK version of "Sale of the Century". I have to admit, dude is pretty smooth and in control even back then. (They've disabled embedding on this video, too -- what are you people afraid of?? -- anyway, click here to watch it.)

TIGER WOODS
A two year old Tiger Woods shows up on the Mike Douglas Show and whacks one 300 yards down the middle (or however far back the stage went). This clip is only 36 seconds long so it leaves out the part where he makes out with a two year old Elin Nordegren afterwards.





MATT LEBLANC
This is supposedly a Heinz ketchup commercial that LeBlanc did before he became Joey on "Friends", but this is so stupid I think it may have actually been an episode of "Friends".





Now get back to work!!

MITCHELL REPORT-PALOOZA!!

Wow, what a day. Who would've thought the Mitchell Report would provide so much fun. We were first treated to a rousing morning of rumors and innuendo of whom would be on the list (Albert Pujols, anyone?), followed by George Mitchell's press conference (recommended viewing for any insomniacs out there), and then the treat of reading the report itself where the jaw dropping description of Brian McNamee injecting Roger Clemens buttocks full of juice was enough to subdue the anger that my Alex Rodriguez-Johnny Damon steroid exacta ticket was not going to cash in on this fateful day.

In the end, I'm glad that the vultures can finally leave David Wells and C.C. Sabathia alone and know that their bodies are the result of hard work, and the only chemical that they've ingested is Yellow Dye #5 (found in Twinkies). Rock on, big men!

For those of you looking for some time to kill, the Mitchell Report itself is some of the best reading I've come across in quite sometime, complete with images of canceled checks and Fedex tracking slips. So f-ing sweet!

Other Mitchell Report links!

• Learn more about the guy who ratted out Roger Clemens. It's McNamee Time! [ESPN.com]
• Want to know what Barry Bonds' teammates knew about his shenanigans? Who doesn't?!? [ESPN.com]
• As usual, Deadspin has a few nuggets, including some Suzyn Waldman video footage. [Deadspin]
• The list of alleged users. [The Big Lead]
• For those of you who don't feel like reading the list, then sit back and enjoy the dulcet tones of Youtube legend, Kige Ramsey, as he reads you the names. Most of them are pronounced correctly. Apologies on behalf of Kige to Benito Santiago (Kige calls him Bento), Jack Cust (Kige, obviously with pizza on the brain, calls him Crust), and Josias Manzanillo (Kige calls him something that sounded like Joseph Menzifdghltehs) [Youtube]
  
• Now the actual list from Mitchell versus the "leaked list" that circulated on Thursday morning. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• Best Headline of this whole ordeal. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
  
• Roger Goodell's "reaction" to the entire Mitchell escapades. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

And finally, Bud Selig's reaction to the report.



Justice will be served, cheaters -- SELIG STYLE!! Somebody go wake up the Gimp.

What is "Quadruple Bypass"?

A quick shout out to "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek, who was recently hospitalized after a heart attack. Hopefully, the 67 year old Trebek lets the doctors do their thing and doesn't go all smarmy know-it-all on them like he does to contestants on the show. Reports are that he will be back on the air in January (phew!!). So while Trebek lays comfortably in a bed somewhere in the Los Angeles area convalescing, we take a stroll down memory lane to a happier (and drunker) time and place, where A.T. had a little extra hop in his step .....



I'll take "Cussing and Swearing" for $500, Alex ....

Gettin' Miggy With It

[NOTE: This post was generated the day before the Mitchell Report was released containing Miguel Tejada's name. And you know what? Screw it, I still like the deal. Juice up, Miggy! And welcome to H-town!]

"I don't think we need to rebuild. "Rebuilding is for some of those teams who haven't won. We need to fill in some of the areas where we have not had good performances."
-- Astros owner Drayton McLane

Uncle Drayton actually uttered these words back in July 2007, when a floundering Astros team was looking at dumping veteran players like Mark Loretta to try and bring in some prospects, but it's a quote that's perpetually indicative of his thought process. "We will not rebuild, we'll retool. We need to think and act like champions." (Something along those lines, at least.)

Fast forward to December 12, 2007. What a difference five months makes. New manager, new GM, and now a shiny new $13/yr shortstop. Indeed in five months time, the Astros have gone from the possible veteran-dumper to the trendy, new veteran-dumpee, trading five spare parts of varying age, talent level, potential and baseball IQ (I'm lookin' at you, Albers) for one slightly aging, stud middle infielder.

Let me first say that I like the trade. I don't love it, but I understand it. At the very least, I'm far more excited for baseball season now. While on the surface this deal may smack of the McLane-esque "we don't rebuild" mindset, when you really examine it, it was also the practical thing to do and here's why:

1. The nucleus isn't getting any younger. The Astros have $40M of their payroll committed to their core untouchables in Lance Berkman, Roy Oswalt, and Carlos Lee. These three are all under contract for 3-5 more years. Berkman and Lee will be turn 32 before or during next season; Oswalt will turn 31 in August and has made it clear he intends to hang it up after this contract is up. To choose the route of a lengthy rebuilding process while paying these three all of that money and watching the window close on their respective primes would be foolish. It's a core group (along with Hunter Pence) that can hang with the top four of practically any team in the National League. Add to that the fact the National League Central is baseball's most imminently winnable division, and it becomes clear that the time is now to try and scratch something together. Miguel Tejada takes that core group from "satisfyingly impressive" to "potentially deadly".

2. Rebuild with what? By all accounts (expert and not so expert), the Astros farm system is in a drastic state of disrepair. And we're not just talking about it needing a paint job and some landscaping; no, if the minor leagues were a trailer park, then the tornado came through and leveled the Astros whole rig. In other words, the Astros farm system is going to be at least a couple years of rebuilding itself away from being able to help the big club sustain any serious "rebuilding" effort. So if that's the case, then we may as well have some fun, guzzle some $8 beers, and try to win now in 2008 and 2009 at the major league level, while Ed Wade quietly goes about the business of cleaning up the carnage that Hurricane Purpura left in its ample wake.

3. If you can't pitch with them, crush their spirits with your bats. Even with a potential move or two still left to execute, it's obvious that this is not an Astros team that is going to string together winning streaks by overwhelming opponents with their arms. I think one of our listeners put it best when he said that the starting rotation in 2008 is:

(1) Oswalt
(2) Holy
(3) Shit
(4) Who else
(5) Is there?

If Drayton is truly in the "win now" mode he appears to be in, then I still think the Astros have at least one fairly prominent signing left in them (Josh Fogg? Livan Hernandez?). That said, even with another signing or two, the Harvey's Wallbangers (salut '82 Brewers) approach of lining up a murderer's row and trying to outslug teams makes some sense, especially when you consider the cozy confines that the Astros play in 81 games out of the season.

People will give Drayton McLane props for stepping up and paying Tejada $13M/yr the next two seasons, but he should very easily have that paid off by July with the additional concessions sold at all of the 4 hour and 45 minute, 15-12 games in which the Astros are going to be invovled. Myself, I will gladly scarf down a few more $10 helmet sundaes and $8.50 cheeseburgers if it means getting to the postseason. Really, it's the least I can do.

You Can Footlooose Anything

I've found that the answers to life's difficult questions can be found somewhere in the glorious two hours of "Footloose". And apparently, we've now got the video to prove it....



I know that when I needed to burn off some steam back in the day, I'd jump in the VW bug, head to an empty warehouse, rip the shirt off and freaking DANCE! If there happen to be some parallel bars around, then it's SO on. Hell yeah .....

Stone Cold Bloggin', 12/7/07

A few thoughts as the baseball winter meetings become smaller in our rear view mirror:

The two big stories coming out of the meetings (Cabrera and Willis to Detroit, the ongoing "Where is Johan Santana going?" saga) further illustrate the chasm that still exists between the handful of "haves" sitting atop the revenue mountain, and the many species of "have nots" (ranging from the semi-destitute ball clubs like Minnesota to the rancid, flea-ridden homeless like Florida). I know that in the last two years we've seen 15 different teams make the playoffs, but in the end when the revenue pie gets bigger, it still becomes cost prohibitive/reckless for the mid-revenue/low-revenue ball clubs to keep their marquee guys. It's this dynamic that forces the have-nots to have baseball IQ's that virtually double their big market counterparts, and it's this dynamic that allows a dolt like Hank Steinbrenner to run a team that will be one of the odds-on favorites to win it all in 2008. (Of course, in the last eleven years, the Florida Marlins have won as many World Series as the Mets, Dodgers, Angels, White Sox, and Cubs combined so what the hell do I know.)

The Cabrera/Willis-to-Detroit trade was one of those fun "holy shit!" initial reaction trades, where as a baseball fan you immediately start scrambling for Detroit's roster so you can start constructing their opening day lineup. "Mother of God!....Granderson .... Polanco .... Cabrera .... Ordonez .... Sheffield ..... Guillen .... I-Rod .... whoever's playing left .... damn, they're gonna have Renteria in the f--ing NINE HOLE!" And then once you get past that, you realize that even with Willis they still don't have the pitching juice to overtake Boston (or Cleveland, for that matter). Check out the 2007 ERA's of the top four in Detroit's 2008 rotation:

Verlander 3.66
Willis 5.17
Bonderman 5.01
Rogers 4.43 (and a year's worth of injuries)

I'll take the front of the Red Sox and Indians' rotations over that every day and twice on Sundays. And this also doesn't begin to scratch the surface on the Tigers' bullpen issues, which still persist (and are exacerbated by the injury to Joel Zumaya).

Finally, what is the over/under on average attendance for the Florida Marlins this season? 8,000? 7,000? 4,500? Seriously, why would they even play home games? I think the Marlins need to just scrap the whole "Florida" thing and just get a sponsor and turn into one of those barnstorming teams where their whole year consists of road games and they travel from town to town on a motor coach bus. You know, one of those rigs with a phone booth sized bathroom in the back where you get hit with the pungent smell of other people's waste if your within ten rows of the back of the bus? The Marlin Express baby! They'd be like the Globetrotters! The Harlem Marlins! Josh Willingham could throw buckets of confetti at the umpires; Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla could turn double plays by using some fancy, behind the back flip throws, the melodious "Sweet Georgia Brown" playing in the background the entire time of course. Totally sweet.

Now some time wasters, because the economy is doing a little too well ....

LINKS

• The drive time shows at 1560 have been ELFED!!! Merry Christmas, Gamers!!! [Elf Yourself]
  
• About the only good thing left about Sportscenter is the hilarious commercials for Sportscenter. Here is the latest one. [Awful Announcing]
• SI compares the BCS contenders to pro wrestlers, which is right up my alley. The only thing missing is some sweet youtube clips. [SI Quick Slants]
• This was sent to me by an LSU fan, with the email "An Ohio State fan learns about golf." Neal, this is just wrong. Click here.
• A string of Jon Scheyer photoshops that are ... well, don't view this string while drinking anything or your keyboard will get soaked. [Scout.com]
• Peter King reveals his true feelings for Brett Favre [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Credit card theft taunts at Doug Gottlieb in an online chat. Like I'm not gonna put up a link to that. [Deadspin]
• A 2008 Heisman forecast that doesn't include Tim Tebow. Not smart. He'll fry this guy with bolts of lightning from his eyes. [Heisman Pundit]
  

VIDS!

Congrats to Missouri QB Chase Daniel for getting the invite to New York City for the Heisman Trophy awards ceremony. He's had many fine performances this season, but none better than this ....



Which brings us to Kentucky freshman Pat Patterson, who upped the ante and actually ate one DURING the game ....



BRAVO.

MORE VIDS!

When I was a kid, Kermit the Frog sang songs like "It's Not Easy Being Green" and "Rainbow Connection". It appears that with the death of Jim Henson, he's gotten in touch with hsi dark side and significantly edgier ....



Melissa Theuriau almost makes me want to move to France. I like at the 0:30 mark where she mentions President "George Boosh"...


They are in the Division 1-AA semifinals, folks ... Appalchian State! And they are HOT HOT HOT!! Best video ever ... and by best, I mean worst ...

THE HORROR Revisited

Special thanks go out to our Production Director, Frankie the Bull, for constructing this dose of perspective when we go to assess the junk in JLH's trunk. The question now becomes was JLH rocking some sort of nuclear spandex underneath the leather pants to keep everything corralled. What says you?

Stone Cold Bloggin', 12/5/07

A quick follow up to my earlier BCS post. As you can tell from my bottom line predictions, I think the BCS got the correct two teams given the system that we have in place. My problem is not with the system (although a nice 8 or 16 team playoff would be a welcome sight), but rather with pretty much ALL of the teams that are in the BCS "conversation". These teams all had chances to seize the moment over the last month or so and not only did nobody step up, but some of these so-called heavyweights shriveled up in historic fashion. Ohio State? You got Zooked. At home. In November. LSU? They washed the taste of Darren McFadden out of their mouths just in time to win Saturday. (Note: Notre Dame has a longer current winning streak -- two -- than either BCS championship participant.) Oklahoma? We can excuse one loss to an unranked team, maybe. Two? Well, have fun in Glendale. Georgia? Kansas? Win your division, then maybe we can talk. Missouri? Bastards. If you or West Virginia had just taken care of business, than none of this is an issue. Granted, we'd have had Missouri in the title game, but I would have at least not needed to be medicated on the air on Monday. And speaking of West Virginia .... Rich Rodriguez, don't even look at me. Seriously, you're in "time out". You got beat by a guy with a caterpillar on his face. At home. In November. Getting Wannied is WAY worse than getting Zooked. Indeed, across the board ... NO STONES in college football this season.

Come to think of it, screw Ohio State and LSU. Neither of you deserve it. We're going with undefeated Hawaii against Tim Tebow in the BCS title game. And no, I don't mean Hawaii against Florida, I mean Hawaii against Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow taking on all of Hawaii by himself. And not just the football team but the entire population of Hawaii. Crushing all of their heads with his bare hands, ravaging all of their luaus, and then using a palm tree as a tooth pick. Tim Tebow is a superhero. He could do it.

Ok, now a gaggle of videos and links to keep you occupied while you should be working:

• "Suddenly" Suzyn Waldman (the faux Suzyn) has a take on this whole Johan Santana thing. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]. (By the way, if you want to hear the time Johnny Harris and I completely and utterly clowned Suzyn Waldman, click here and then here.)
  
• Those Oscar de la Hoya photos of him in fishnet - unfortunately, it sounds like they were fake. [Macho Chip]
• Best redneck picture page of all time. [Redneck page]
• Maybe the most disturbing Charlie Weis photoshop job of all time. [With Leather]
• This guy likes Jimmy Dean sausage a little too much. Be sure to listen to the very end. [Filecabi.net]
• A site dedicated to the wind beneath all of our wings -- Coach Eddie O. [EDSBL]
• Why the Titans have the worst nickname in sports. [AOL Funhouse]

VIDEO TIME!

Who makes less sense? Emmitt Smith .....



.... or the Ultimate Warrior.

(NOTE: Stuart Scott is an acceptable write-in vote based purely on his horrific use of the word "bananas" at the beginning of the Emmitt clip.)

HEY, LET'S DO MORE VIDEOS!

If you don't have enough money to buy the Rocky DVD box set, this video actually summarizes the entire Rocky series -- all SIX movies in about 24 seconds! A real time saver!



You remember Schoolhouse Rock? The five minute Saturday morning vignettes about harmless subjects like adjectives, simple math, and the Constitution? Well, apparently this is what Schoolhouse Rock would be if it were still around today. Awesome!


For those of you who have a phobia about sitting on strange toilet seats, this contraption is a godsend.



FINALLY, A BIG LOU HOLTZ FINALE!!

This might be Lou Holtz's finest hour. I'd love to see him give this speech to the Knicks. Would they even take their headphones off?

"If you were committed to excellence, and if you care about the Knicks and about the fans, and the people that sacrifice to buy those tickets ... then you would give maximum effort!"

Maybe so. I guess we need to get them committed to that there excellence thing first, Coach. something we've been trying to do for the last, oh, 50 years.

THE HORROR!

This is a recent photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt taken from behind. Now I know how my high school girlfriends feel when they see my picture on the 1560 The Game website. (i.e. "holy shit, he put on some weight!")

I prefer to remember Jennifer during a time in her career when she didn't look like she was ready to take on the blocking sled. Indeed, let's go back to a happier time and place, when JLH was just beginning to master her (short lived) fastball as Sarah on "Party of Five", where her main responsibility was dealing with Bailey's perpetual stupidity, which included this little drunk driving gem. Enjoy .....

BCS War of Attrition

It all seemed so simple. Two evening games on Saturday would decide which two teams would meet in New Orleans on January 7. One game was a marquee event, Missouri vs Oklahoma for the Big XII title. (The fact that "marquee event" and "Missouri" are appearing together in a sentence pertaining to college football shows you how utterly ridiculous this season has been.) The other was a given. A blowout. Something to switch over to during commercials of the OU-Mizzou tilt. It was West Virginia taking on Dave Wannstedt and the Pitt Panthers in Morgantown. West Virginia has a backfield whose average 40 time is roughly 1.3 seconds. Pitt's entire team is basically LeSean McCoy. And Wanny's halfstache. Can't forget the halfstache, the most intimidating piece of facial hair this side of Rollie Fingers handlebar 'stache (or ANY handlebar 'stache for that matter).

So it was simple. West Virginia hangs 60 on Wanny, and then the Mountaineers would either take on Missouri on January 7 or (if Oklahoma beat Mizzou) they would take on Ohio State, who last played a game sometime in 2005. Well, for the love of Appalachian State, anyone who has watched college football in 2007 knows that nothing is simple. 2007 is a brave new world - a world where Notre Dame gets manhandled by Navy and Air Force and where Ron Zook is considered a cross between Bear Bryant and Tony Robbins (with a sprinkling of Mr. Belding paternal giddiness mixed in). So when it came time for someone to totally screw up the BCS title game once and for all, the gods picked the perfect guy for the job. They chose somebody who has made screwing things up look routine. They chose Wanny. The final score -- Pittsburgh 13, West Virginia/the refs/what was left of our sanity 9.

So now where do we go? We are basically assured of a TWO LOSS team in the BCS title game, and there is a better than decent chance that said two loss team may not have even won its division of its conference. That's right, it may be deemed that a team that was just good enough to be second in its division of the SEC is worthy of holding up the big glass egg on January 7. As Little Carmine Lupertazzi would say, "What a fucking stagmire."

And for all of you who were touting how this was the "best college football season ever" -- well, I hope you're happy. Just to be clear, a whole bunch of upsets doesn't mean that a season is the "best ever". It means that there are a whole bunch of teams that are quite flawed. More flawed than we thought. It also means that the end game in this whole thing is a January 7 clusterfuck pitting a team (Ohio State) who basically watched all of the other teams step on their own dicks for two weeks against a likely two loss team who (a) didn't even play in its conference title game and/or who (b) backed into the title game because Rich Rodriguez was outcoached by the village idiot, and against Oklahoma Chase Daniel finally turned into the pumpkin whose body shape he has been sporting all season. Best season ever? No. "Best seasons ever" have a few memorable upsets, a smattering of regular season classics, and culminate with two clear cut, traditional power houses squaring off for all of the marbles. 2005 was a "best season ever". 2007 is just a good reason to drink.

So who will Ohio State play? When we all woke up this morning, the BCS Rankings looked like this:

1. Missouri
2. West Virginia
3. Ohio State
4. Georgia
5. Kansas
6. Virginia Tech
7. LSU
8. USC
9. Oklahoma
10. Florida
11. Boston College
12. Hawaii

So let's do this. Let's assess who Ohio State should play and then I'll predict how the BCS bowl scene will shake out. As mentioned earlier, Missouri and West Virginia both spit the bit tonight. Other results: Virginia Tech over BC, LSU over Tennessee, USC over UCLA, and Hawaii (the only undefeated team left) hung around long enough for Ty Willingham to channel his inner Wannstedt. The Warriors came back from a 21-0 deficit to beat UW, 35-28.

Eliminating Boston College and Florida (both 3 loss teams), and assuming that there is no chance in hell that Missouri or West Virginia are part of the conversation with losses on Saturday, that leaves us with the following:

4. Georgia
5. Kansas
6. Virginia Tech
7. LSU
8. USC
9. Oklahoma
12. Hawaii

I have a huge problem with a team not winning its own conference and then being allowed to play in the BCS title game. It's happened twice (2001 Nebraska, 2003 Oklahoma) and I still can't believe a bylaw hasn't been passed by the BCS preventing this from happening again. A team is not even the best in its conference (or in the case of Georgia and Kansas, their division of their conference) and they have the inside track on the game for the whole enchilada? Since this is about who I think should play Ohio State, I am going to kindly ask the two Marks (Richt and Mangino) to step aside.

Also, while Hawaii has managed to navigate its entire schedule successfully (12-0), their schedule is ranked dead last in Sportsline's strength of schedule rankings, 119th overall. I could almost forgive that if they were blowing people out, but they've had a handful of close calls this season against the likes of Louisiana Tech (who LSU beat soundly by 48) and San Jose State, and in their only game against a BCS conference team, they needed 59 minutes and a last second pick to knock off 4-8 Washington. (Side bar - While Ty Willingham has only won 11 games in three years at UW, it's worth noting he has molded nearly 50 young men! Because that's what he does. He molds young men!) I digress ... my point with this paragraph was to basically say "Hey Hawaii, congrats on 12-0, enjoy the Sugar Bowl, you don't deserve a shot at the title". Also, I wanted to take a gratuitous pot shot at Ty Willingham. So we're good on both counts.

So that leaves us with Virginia Tech, LSU, USC, and Oklahoma. All of them are champions of their respective conferences, so we're good there. All of them have essentially the same won-loss record (USC played one less game since the PAC-10 has no title game.), with each having lost two games. Let's examine them all, shall we? (For moniker purposes, we'll label these four "The Contenders".)

(Notes: "BCS Ranking" is as of 12/1/07; "SOS" is the strength of schedule according to Sportsline.com as of 12/1/07; "Conf Rank" is the rank of the team's conference according to Sagarin as of 12/1/07; rankings of opponents in "Top 25 Wins" and "Losses" is their ranking at the time the game was played. Record in parentheses after each "Top 25 Win" and "Loss" is the opponent's final 2007 record.)

CONTENDER #1
VIRGINIA TECH (11-2, ACC Champion)

BCS RANKING: 6
SOS: 11
CONF RANK: 5

TOP 25 WINS: 10/6 @ #22 Clemson 41-23 (9-3)
11/24 @ #16 Virginia 33-21 (9-3)
12/1 vs #11 Boston College 30-16 (10-3)

LOSSES: 9/8 @ #2 LSU 48-7 (11-2)
10/25 vs #2 Boston College 14-10 (10-3)

ARGUMENT FOR: Tore through the ACC with the only loss a last second loss to then #2 Boston College ... remaining games were all wins and all but one by double digits ... avenged their only conference loss in the ACC title game ... has longest winning streak to end the season of any of the Contenders ... both losses were to teams that were in the top two at the time the game was played

MITIGATING FACTORS: Lost head-to-head in Baton Rouge to LSU in September ... check that, got their heads handed to them by LSU in Baton Rouge ... ACC was generally considered the weakest BCS conference for much of the year

BCS TITLE GAME FORECAST: Overcast, slight chance of rain
_____________________________________________________________

CONTENDER #2
LSU (11-2, SEC Champion)

BCS RANKING: 7
SOS: 27
CONF RANK: 1

TOP 25 WINS: 9/8 vs #9 Virginia Tech 48-7 (11-2)
10/6 vs #9 Florida 28-24 (9-3)
10/20 vs #17 Auburn 30-24 (8-4)
11/3 @ #17 Alabama 41-34 (6-6)
12/1 vs #14 Tennessee 21-14 (9-4)

LOSSES: 10/13 @ #17 Kentucky 43-37, 3OT (7-5)
11/23 vs Arkansas 50-48, 3OT (8-4)

ARGUMENT FOR: Won the nation's toughest conference in a year where the conference was probably its deepest from top to bottom ... have most impressive non-conference win of any of the contenders (48-7 vs VA Tech) ... both losses were in triple overtime ... most Top 25 wins of any of the Contenders

MITIGATING FACTORS: Walked a tight rope all year with close games ... could've gone 13-0 as easily as they could've gone 8-5 ... defense never seemed to find itself the second half of the season ... when they needed a win in November to stay at #1, they lost at home to Arkansas (gave up 385 yards rushing)

BCS TITLE GAME FORECAST: Partly Sunny and mild
____________________________________________________________________

CONTENDER #3
SOUTHERN CAL (10-2, Pac-10 Champion)

BCS RANKING: 8
SOS: 74
CONF RANK: 2

TOP 25 WINS: 9/8 @ #14 Nebraska 49-31 (5-7)
11/10 @ #24 California 24-17 (6-6)
11/22 @ #6 Arizona State 44-24 (10-2)

LOSSES: 10/6 vs Stanford 24-23 (4-8)
10/27 @ #5 Oregon 24-17 (8-4)

ARGUMENT FOR: Finished season on convincing four game winning streak, including 20-point win at #6 Arizona State ... only team to defeat Oregon State after September ... arguably the most talented team in the country ... Trojans don't duck anybody, scheduled Nebraska and ND out of conference (who knew they would both implode?)

MITIGATING FACTORS: Among the four Contenders, has by far the worst loss (Stanford at home, 24-23) ... only one truly impressive win, considering how all of their foes ended 2007 ... computers are killing USC, so any pickup with the human polls will likely be cancelled out by poor computer ranking ... weak non conference schedule, but not for lack of trying to "schedule up"

BCS TITLE GAME FORECAST: Rain, lots and lots of rain (beware of mudslides)
___________________________________________________________________

CONTENDER #4
OKLAHOMA (11-2, BIG 12 Champion)

BCS RANKING: 9
SOS: 59
CONF RANK: 4

TOP 25 WINS: 10/6 vs #19 Texas 28-21 (9-3)
10/13 vs #11 Missouri 41-31 (11-2)
12/1 vs #1 Missouri 38-17 (11-2)

LOSSES: 9/29 @ Colorado 27-24 (6-6)
11/17 @ Texas Tech 34-27 (8-4)

ARGUMENT FOR: Most impressive of all of the conference title game winners, blowing out #1 Missouri ... maybe most complete team in the country on both sides of the ball ... of 11 wins, 10 were by double digits and 7 were by 20+ points

MITIGATING FACTORS: Other than wins against Missouri, only other Top 25 win was against a marginal Texas team on a neutral field ... losses were both to unranked teams ... Texas Tech game was not as close as final score ... didn't play Kansas ... non conference schedule was weak ... the computers hate OU even more than they hate USC

BCS TITLE GAME FORECAST: Thunderstorms, maybe some hail

____________________________________________________________________

Assessing all of the empirical arguments for and against (i.e. whose body of work most justifies their going), and combining that with the "eyeball test" (i.e. my own semi-educated opinion on who I think is the best equipped to and most deserving of playing in the BCS title game), I would rank The Contenders in the following order:

1. LSU
2. Virginia Tech
3. Oklahoma
4. USC

Ironically, if I were coaching Ohio State I'd probably be more concerned about playing USC or Oklahoma than LSU or Virginia Tech simply because of the pure horse power they each have on both sides of the ball. Plus, USC and OU have both been very impressive the last couple weeks of the season. That said, the bodies of work that LSU and Virginia Tech have put together over the entire season are both more impressive than USC and Oklahoma (and the BCS rankings bear this out somewhat as the computers are not big fans of USC or Oklahoma and their weaker non-conference schedules). LSU has navigated the largest number of difficult games of any Contender, and Virginia Tech is actually playing the best football since November 1 (no losses). Both LSU and Virginia Tech played harder schedules and their two losses were not nearly as bad as the two losses USC and OU each incurred. LSU lost two games in triple overtime, and Virginia Tech lost two games to #2 teams in the country at the time (and avenged one of those losses in the ACC title game). On the other hand, USC lost to a 40 point underdog at home and OU lost to two unranked teams, one (Colorado) on a last second FG and the other (Texas Tech) in a game that was not as close as the final score would indicate.

I think LSU and Virginia Tech deserve to be in the conversation more than USC or OU. So I needed to pick a winner between LSU and Virginia Tech. In the end, the tie breaker for me is that these two teams played each other in September, and LSU won handily 48-7. Since that time, Virginia Tech has improved and LSU has probably slid back a little, but not enough either way for me to ignore the result of that game. If it was a last second field goal that propelled LSU, maybe we put the result aside. But for something this important, a shot at the national title, a team should be rewarded for a convincing head-to-head win. We spend all of this time complaining how the BCS selection process is so subjective and teams don't decide it on the field, and yet here we have an actual game that was played between the two teams to help light the way. I'll take it.

The 800 pound gorilla in the room is the fact that we are counting on the coaches and the Harris poll voters to actually do the "right thing" and jump one of The Contenders over Georgia and Kansas. Keep in mind, the coaches are a group that vote each week without having seen a lot of these teams even play (other than highlights), and the Harris poll voters I'm pretty sure include Richard Simmons, Drew Carey, and the chick who played Rudy Huxtable on "The Cosby Show". Counting on these folks to do the sensible thing is like counting on Britney Spears to wear underwear. This is all my way of saying that I can't shake this horrible feeling that we're going to see Ohio State vs Georgia on January 7, to the point where I'd say it's a coin flipper. I hope I'm wrong.

So how should the BCS play out? In my opinion, like this:

BCS TITLE GAME - Ohio State vs LSU
ORANGE BOWL - Virginia Tech vs West Virginia
FIESTA BOWL - Oklahoma vs Kansas
SUGAR BOWL - Georgia vs Hawaii
ROSE BOWL - Illinois vs USC

Virginia Tech and West Virginia would be a nice old school Big East, pre-ACC defections matchup. OU and Kansas actually didn't play this year so we could actually get a chance to fill in the one remaining Big 12 gap from the regular season. And the Rose Bowl will protect the Big 10 vs Pac-10 property at all costs.

How will the BCS play out? I'm going to stand by my opinion that the coaches and Harris poll voters are all braindead and go with this:

BCS TITLE GAME - Ohio State vs Georgia
ORANGE BOWL - Virginia Tech vs Kansas
FIESTA BOWL - Oklahoma vs West Virginia
SUGAR BOWL - LSU vs Hawaii
ROSE BOWL - Illinois vs USC

I hope I'm wrong. It didn't have to be this way. Damn you, Wanny. The blood of this stagmire is on your hands.

EVEL KNIEVEL 1938-2007

As trail blazers go, Evel Knievel may have been the most underrated trail blazer of all time. (This does not include Jerome Kersey, who is the most underrated Trail Blazer, Portland-style, of all time.) Think about it. If it weren't for Evel Knievel, there would have been no inspiration for the Happy Days episodes where Fonzie jumped the trash cans on his motorcycle and where he jumped the shark on water skis, and thus the term "jump the shark" never becomes part of our lexicon. There would be no jumptheshark.net, and Fonzie's bag of tricks would begin and end with the ultra-lame bang-the-fist-on-the-jukebox gimmick. Knievel made Fonzie.

Also, Knievel single handedly kept thousands of physicians in business throughout the 70's and 80's as little boys everywhere spent summer afternoons building ramps, jumping their bikes over rows of shrubs, impaling themselves on the curb and breaking a bone or two in the process. The billions of dollars generated for our economy in physician visits and plaster for body casts for Evel wannabes is incalculable. Suffice to say, whatever status the United States has as an economic superpower, at least 50% of it can be attributed to the Evel Knievel Era of adolescent jackassery. (For the record, the remainder of the credit should go to internet porn and Britney Spears' frappucino addiction.)

In his later years, Knievel was beset with a lengthy list of ailments, to the point where I think a good medical school should now offer a course called Evel Knievel: The Twilight Years. In the end, I prefer to remember him as the devil-may-care, tough ass sonofabitch who would hurl his body hundreds of feet in the air at top speed for our pleasure. Rest in Peace, Evel.