I hope everyone had a very happy and safe Thanksgiving holiday. Now we approach that time of year where colleges and universities go through the time honored tradition of purging their athletic departments of defective football coaching staffs. It's as much a part of December as white lights, dradles, and final exams. We here at the Sports Kolache (and by "we", I mean basically me, Sean Thomas Pendergast) will be watching the coaching carousel closely throughout the coming weeks and bringing you copious updates on all of the tomfoolery.
A few observations on the heels of the first few coaching transactions:
LES MILES
With Lloyd Carr retiring at Michigan last Monday, all focus has been on LSU's Les Miles as his possible successor. The possibility of Les leaving bayou country so moved the Tiger faithful that they organized a "March for Miles" last Wednesday, with a few thousand of Louisiana's finest delusional, purple clad freaks walking Les to his weekly talk show at Walk-On's in a show of support.
Forty-eight hours later, after Darren McFadden was finished marching through the LSU defense like the Germans through the Champs Elysee, LSU fans felt a little differently.
TEXAS A&M
A good weekend in Aggieland as the Agro's get a win over the Longhorns and Coach Fran's resignation. Nice exacta!! (Degenerate side bar - how much would the "deposed coach getting an improbable win" money line parlay have paid out with Fran and Houston Nutt on Saturday? $100 would've paid around $1500. Of course, the temptation to mix in Callahan and go for the big payout would've killed the whole thing. What's my point? I'm a degenerate, that's my point.)
Say hello to your new coach, Aggie Fan! Sherman ..... SHERMAN!!! WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!
BYE BYE, COACH O
Unfortunately for Ole Miss head ball coach Ed Orgeron, the hot Rebel co-eds were not deciding his fate, because we all know that if they were, Coach O would be getting a five year extension. I'm truly hopeful that Ole Miss' firing of Coach FOOTBAW doesn't mean that we have seen the last of him. I'm sure he'll land somewhere, but I think I speak for Youtube viewers everywhere when I say it better happen sooner rather than later. YAW YAW YAW YAW YAW YAAAW..... YAW YAW ..... FIRED!!
Well, it's official. Michael Vick's 15 acre Virginia estate will be going up for auction on December 15th. In case you haven't seen it. Here it is...
That little area inside the white circle is the dogfighting compound. I point this out because if you've ever been looking to own a home with a dogfighting compound, this just may be the home for you! Anyone who knows jack shit about real estate knows that it makes a lot more fiscal sense to buy a home with an existing dogfighting compound than to go ahead and put in a brand new dogfighting compound. I mean, even the nicest new dogfighting compounds lose half their value within the first year after they're built.
Also, if you end up buying this home, make sure you get the home warranty thrown in as part of the deal. There's nothing more frustrating than buying a new home and having the canine electrocution machines start to malfunction in the first month.
LINKS: You too can operate your own dogfighting ring [100% Injury Rate]
To recap, Scott Boras and Alex Rodriguez orchestrated one of the most ill-conceived attempts to break the bank in the history of team sports. A-Rod opts out of baseball's richest contract with baseball's most storied franchise, leaving $72M on the table and leaving the Yankees $21M lighter in the wallet (a subsidy from the Texas Rangers that required A-Rod to actually be a Yankee for them to collect it). Adding dishonesty to arrogance, he cites the uncertainty of the futures of Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, and Andy Pettitte as the reasons he is opting out, thus completely ignoring the real reason (cue "cash register ringing" wav file). A-Rod then sends Boras, who may or may not be Satan (we're still working on this one), out into the baseball wilderness with a bunch of graphs, charts and Powerpoint presentations to pitch to his potential audience (at the time believed to include the Mets, Cubs, Dodgers, and Angels) why The Chosen One is worth $350M over the next 10 years. Only one problem -- the potential audience actually consisted of one team. The team he left at the altar a couple of weeks ago -- the jilted Yankees.
So once the Powerpoint presentations to baseball's richest franchises not named the Yankees were all finished (to the rousing sound of crickets chirping), Scott Boras and A-Rod realized their worst nightmare. "Holy shit, there's no $35M/yr market for a lamb-killing diva whose testes shrink into his abdomen when the calendar turns to October!" (Let alone the $30M/yr the Yankees had been willing to offer A-Rod in a multi-year extension just before he opted out of his deal). So A-Rod did the only thing he could do, swallow his pride, plant his tail between his legs, and go back to the Yankees, knowing full well that the Yankees would still probably offer $5M more/yr than any other suitor. You see, if "Bidding against Yourself" were an Olympic sport, the Yankees would be Mark Spitz and Eric Heiden rolled into one (see Rivera, Mariano, proposal to; OR see Posada, Jorge, signing of). A-Rod was also ordered to leave Boras at home, kind of like when a company is ordered by a client to change the sales rep on their account. "Sure Alex, we'll meet with you, but leave the beady eyed sales guy with the faux combover at the office. Bring the hot chick instead." (Note: It's worth mentioning that Alex's wife seemed to be heavily involved in this process, perhaps smelling a future divorce settlement.)
The fact of the matter is that I don't think anyone (other than the team who wound up with A-Rod) was going to offer A-Rod anywhere close to the $27.5M he wound up signing for. A-Rod and Boras grossly miscalculated his worth. There is no doubt that Alex Rodriguez is the best regularseason player in baseball. But is it really worth paying him $30M when that can fetch you a decent third basemen and two good arms? Especially when A-Rod seems to do his best work in the middle of August against the Royals and the Devil Rays? When the score is 9-2? Boras really thought that other baseball teams wouldn't see this? It's one thing to have a "devil may care" attitude when you're signing Ted Lilly to a $10M/yr deal; it's another thing entirely when you have to scratch out $350M to one player AND that player has a history of postseason failure AND that player is seen by many as a phony and a prima donna. There's really only one team with the combination of money, stupidity, and history with A-Rod to pull this off -- and they got him.
One very underrated subplot amidst the A-Rod signing is the foreshadowing of how much fun it's going to be to watch the Brothers Steinbrenner run the Bronx Bombers (into the ground?) these next few decades. This from Yankees senior VP Hank Steinbrenner:
"... and if an agent gets out of line or makes bad decisions, then that's going to hurt the player. And obviously, that's one of the things that happened here."
So it would appear that Hank thinks Boras' decision to go for more money was miscalculated and wrong. (Before the Yankees came along to bail Boras and A-Rod out, I didn't disagree. No one else would've paid A-Rod anywhere near $27.5M per year.) But when it was suggested the Yankees overpaid to re-sign A-Rod, Hank goes into crazy spin mode, saying that there were others out there who would've paid more than the Yankees:
"There are a few cynics who say, 'Well, he really couldn't get this there.' Trust me, he would have gotten probably more. He is making a sacrifice to be a Yankee, there's no question. ... He showed what was really in his heart and what he really wanted."
So let me get this straight, Hank. You think A-Rod was given bad advice by Scott Boras. This bad advice consisted of Boras telling A-Rod to opt out of the last three years of his contract because he felt A-Rod could make more than he was going to make in those three years under his then-current deal ($24M/yr, by the way). Yet according to you, Hank, there were many other teams out there who would've paid more than the $27.5M which A-Rod eventually got from you. (Let's not even get into how he eventually wound up making more money from the Yankees themselves.) So how exactly was this bad advice, Hank? I mean, A-Rod and Boras didn't get the $35M/yr they wanted, but thanks to you, Hank, A-Rod did get a sizable raise and assurance that he'd get paid into his 40's, not to mention a bunch of bonuses tied to revenue increases centered around his chase of the all-time home run record held by "he who shall not be named".
If we're scoring at home, here's how all of the luminaries involved in this signing grade out:
SCOTT BORAS: The deal finally gets done when he is very publicly removed from the negotiations. His misfire on A-Rod's market value and his door-to-door sales approach reinforce the world's hatred of diabolical sports agents. Presumably, he does still get his commission, but his "Boras gets what he wants" aura takes a major hit. Survey says? LOSER
BROTHERS STEINBRENNER: They have to foot the bill for all of this over the next 10 years, and are setting a nice precedent of paying players well over market value into their 40's. This should be fun to watch. Mitigating factor is that they are rich, however that is more than canceled out by the fact that they look like their old man. No amount of money is worth that. Survey says? LOSERS
YANKEESFANS: The front office of their favorite team has just ensured them that they will not win a World Series until at least 2018, which means that there will be teenage offspring of Yankees fans very soon who start to go through the same "will the Yankees ever win a World Series in my lifetime?" paranoia that I went through as a Red Sox fan in the 1980's. This makes me very happy. Survey says? LOSERS
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Gets $27.5M over the next 10 years, a 15% raise over what he was slated to make in 2008, 2009, and 2010, despite sucking in the postseason, having the personality of a twice baked potato, and wearing purple lipstick when it gets cold outside. Survey says? WINNER
Please turn your attention to Ruvell Martin's crotch. This is just wrong. If any of you have any information that could lead us to the apprehension and conviction of the owner of the mystery right hand, please leave it in the Comments section so we can forward it to the Green Bay police and the FBUH (Federal Bureau of Unwanted Handjobs).
I think one of the truly great inventions of our time is the ability to make our cell phones ring with customized sounds. I mean, who would have thought it would be so much fun to have Steven A. Smith screaming "SLAVA MEDVENDENKO" over and over again any time one of my boys calls me? Certainly, not I.
If you haven't done so yet, I highly encourage getting your free 1560 The Game ringtones. Check them all out here. (You'll need to register for a Myxer account, but it's free and fast and worth it.)
My personal favorite ringtone is this one. Here's a hint as to what it is.....
(Not sure why Dikembe was adding a guy named "Tony" to the "John and Lance" show. We didn't ask him to say "Tony", we have no one at the station named "Tony". Granato looks a little like a Tony, but that's about it. As for Deke calling our station "666 The Game", clearly this is a subliminal message that he thinks we are Satan. And truth be told, he may be right.)
I hope everyone had a good weekend, and that those of you who were able to partake in Juegopalooza managed to shake off the rust in time to take in all of the football action. As I type this, I am sitting at the Buffalo Wild Wings in midtown (taking in the Gametime show with David Nuno on 1560 The Game) with two big screens in front of me. On one screen, Green Bay Packer RB Ryan Grant is running over various Minnesota Vikings on his way to a touchdown this afternoon and on another screen is a highlight of Illinois coach Ron Zook getting the Gatorade bath after the Illini's 28-21 upset over #1 ranked Ohio State.
Understand that if someone had bet you at this time in 2004 that either of these things would ever occur, let alone both on the same weekend, you would have gotten odds of roughly 1,000,000,000,000 to 1. You see, at this time in 2004, Ryan Grant was a backup RB on a somewhat brutal Notre Dame football team (as opposed to the otherworldly brutal current version) who was about as elusive as a Winnebago and who would go down half the time after minimal to no contact. It was also about this time in 2004 that the Zooker was getting run out of Gainesville in favor of wunderkind Urban Meyer (and rightfully so) and was a mere few weeks away from thanking folks for the kind welcome at his introduction presser at the "University of ILLINOISE". (Yes, the Zooker pronounced the silent "s" at the end of Illinois.) And now one of them is the starting RB for an 8-1 NFL team, and the other one is going to be coaching in a New Year's Day bowl game.
And the scary thing is that these things rank only as #541 and #767 respectively on the list of unlikely occurrences that have actually happened this football season.
Other thoughts from the weekend.....
ROCK, CHALK, MANGINO!
Go ahead and count me among the believers in Mark Mangino and the Kansas Jayhawks. What a contrast between those two teams last night in Stillwater. Kansas was able to minimize penalties (3 for 18 yards for the game) and protect the football (no turnovers), while Oklahoma State played with a lack of discipline that you would expect from a team coached by a guy who has a propensity to become a bit unhinged sometimes -- poor tackling, untimely penalties, four turnovers, and a seemingly insatiable need to talk shit to their Jayhawk counterparts after every four yard catch. In short, one team played smart and the other one played stupid. And yes, Mike Gundy, I realize that I am writing this about children who have mothers -- mothers who probably have my blog bookmarked in their Netvibes, and that now you hope that my kids come home crying because they're fat, or something like that. Yes, I realize that I am crap ... and that the administrator of Google who allowed me to register my blog is crap. And you are 40. And a man. A man who coaches a team that should be 8-2 right now, but instead is 5-5. But a man nonetheless.
Now, you have to wonder about Kansas and where they deserve to be if they win out. Right now, it would seem that on the heels of this weekend with Ohio State losing, the best they can hope for right now is a #3 BCS ranking behind LSU and Oregon. I would contend that if that Kansas is able to win out the rest of the way (including the Big XII title game), and LSU and Oregon win out as well, that the Jayhawks would deserve to leapfrog one of them (likely Oregon) and go to the BCS title game. The reasons behind my rationale:
Going undefeated through the Big 12 this season is an accomplishment that deserves to be rewarded. Kansas will have taken care of all their business this season, while LSU and Oregon (and everyone else in BCS conferences will not have).
If the polls had Ohio State as such an overwhelming #1 before their loss to Illinois, it would seem logical that Kansas, with a resume that would include a comparable scheduleat this point to Ohio State's PLUS wins over likely top ten teams in Missouri and Oklahoma (Big XII title game), would deserve a ranking in the top two.
At this point, Kansas is being penalized somewhat for a weak non-conference schedule but moreso for "being Kansas" and starting the season outside the polls (and, in turn, being forced to play leapfrog over teams in front of them). The fact of the matter is also when you look at this Kansas team, they just don't look like a Top 3 team. I don't mean that as an insult, they just don't have nearly the number of athletes that pass the "eyeball test" as do LSU or even Oregon (or Oklahoma State, for that matter). I mean, Brandon McAnderson just doesn't look like a big time college RB. Joe Mortensen doesn't look like a starting middle LB for an undefeated Big XII team. But it works. Because the Jayhawks don't beat themselves and they play with a chip on thier shoulder. And they have a coach who is fat and, therefore, merry. Most of the time anyway. There was that one time he wasn't merry....
But we can forgive that. I've said many times, I like college football more when the traditionally elite programs are the ones vying for the big prize. But I have to say, a BCS game involving Kansas intrigues me. And it's always more fun when the token fat guy is at the party. At least that's what I gather from the number of times I've arrived at parties and people tell me how badly the party sucked until I got there.
GOOD RIDDANCE, OB!
And while the Kansases and Illinoises of the world continue their assault on college football's upper echelon, some traditional powers continue to stumble. If you didn't see it, the University of Miami turned out the lights on the Orange Bowl this weekend, but not before the Virginia Cavaliers decided to show up at the party and drink all of the Canes' beer, eat all of their food, and deflower all of their lady folk. Wow, what a way to close the OB. I couldn't help but take some pleasure in watching the Cavs have their way with the Canes (to the tune of 48-0), seeing as "da U" and they're band of thugs (who doubled as really good football players back in the day) was directly responsible for many hours of therapy during my childhood and collegiate years, culminating with this. The building itself, though, was haunted. As you can tell from this clip, the Canes didn't even need to be present for the OB to suck worse than a torn groin muscle for a Notre Dame fan.
Anyway, while the OB was a cradle of spine-tingling memories for many college football, NFL, and Ashlee Simpson fans, by all accounts it was falling apart at the seams (Mike Patrick actually called it a "dump" during his broadcast last night on ESPN, presumably when he wasn't waxing poetic about Britney Spears) so good riddance, OB! Don't let the wrecking ball hit you in the ass on the way out!
Question though -- is Lamar Thomas going to be as protective of the Canes new house?
SPEAKING OF TRADITIONAL POWERS....
Let me first say that I am a Notre Dame graduate, and I like Charlie Weis. I think he is a good and generous man, a fine representative of the University of Notre Dame, and by all accounts one of the hardest workers in the college football head coaching business. While I wasn't shouting from the rooftops in 2004 for the university to fire Tyrone Willingham, I did think it was a very defendable move and had no problem with it. Anyone who followed the program any closer than watching highlights (the few that there were) in 2004 knows that the direction of the program was headed decidedly downward with Willingham. Recruiting was at an all-time nadir (which is manifesting itself in part this season), talent was not being developed, and Willingham was steadfast in his refusal to make changes to his coaching staff, most notably his bizarre desire to keep offensive coordinator Bill Diedrick, whose idea of "creative playcalling" consisted of fifteen bubble screens per game. Notre Dame was not going to ever get near a BCS bowl with Tyrone Willingham as their coach -- not in 2005 nor 2006 (when they did make BCS bowls with Weis) nor any other season. Never, ever, ever. I will debate this with anyone who would like to do so.
Now, all of that said, what's happening on the field in South Bend this season is a complete and utter disgrace. I don't care if you have junior and senior classes full of two-star and three-star recruits. At Notre Dame, you should not be losing to service academies at home in November. Period. Not in 2007, not ever. We hear a lot about how young this Notre Dame team is, and it's true. A sizable portion of their two deep on both sides of the ball consist of freshmen and sophomores; not coincidentally, most of the raw talent on this team is in those classes as well. (For what it's worth, Weis currently has the #1 recruiting class in the country for next season as well.) However, youth is not an excuse for the number of missed assignments on the offensive line -- not this late in the season against inferior athletes. Youth is not an excuse for putting the ball on the ground a ridiculous number of times; last I checked, they didn't start teaching ball security in college. I do believe there are high school and Pop Warner teams that work on this skill in practice. Understanding the snap count would seem to require mere listening and counting skills, yet watching this ND offensive line you'd think it required a masters degree as well.
Weis has shown he can recruit. He's also shown that he can take experienced talent and show them the way (the Quinn/Samardzija led teams in 2005 and 2006). However, he hasn't shown he can develop young talent. That's on Weis and his staff and has nothing to do with Willingham. The team is 1-9 right now, and I'm guessing they're not done losing yet. Unlike Willingham, I don't expect Weis to stand pat. He's already shown he'll make changes when he let Rick Minter go this past winter, and he hired Corwin Brown as his defensive coordinator. Expect more changes. The question is how damaged is this group's psyche now? And how many of the recruits will jump ship? (None yet, but it's early.) Weis' recruiting and ability to sell the school have bought him time. But there are some serious chinks in the armor now. The clock is ticking....
TIME KILLERS
Maybe the best Tom Cruise impersonation ever. [I Am Bored]
In case anyone was wondering whose huddle it is in Boston now.... [YouTube]
If Mike Gundy were to channel his inner Al Roker. [Wizard of Odds]
A bald, middle-aged man gets a job as a sports talk radio host in a pretty big market, and begins a blog to write about all of the tomfoolery and ballyhoo. Hilarity ensues.
