Roger on 60 Minutes: My Take

Ever since it was announced several days ago that Roger Clemens would be appearing on "60 Minutes" to address the allegations in the Mitchell Report, my contention has been that the only way the interview would be considered a success for Roger would be if he did two things -- (1) address at least some of the specific allegations of Brian McNamee (like the ones with dates and places), and not just give us the blanket "I never took steroids" and (2) tell us specifically why we shouldn't believe Brian McNamee. I mean, according to Roger, as lies go McNamee is telling some whoppers. Under oath, no less! So if this guy's character is so questionable, Roger, give us SOMETHING from your decade-plus of knowing Brian McNamee that would help us connect the dots from "I didn't do steroids" to "Here's why McNamee's lying". He fibbed on a reply to jury duty ... he skipped out on a bar tab ... he knows all the words to "Mmm Bop" by Hanson but won't admit it. Something. ANYTHING.

So if you saw the interview on "60 Minutes" tonight, you know that Roger graded out thusly on each of my two assignments for him:

(1) D-
(2) F-

There were specific things that Roger said in the interview that would and did perturb me, regardless of whether or not I believe he is innocent (and we'll get to that shortly). Here they are (my thoughts are preceded by SP - yes, very creative, I know):

"CLEMENS: I'm angry that that what I've done for the game of baseball and the personal, in my private life, what I've done that I I don't get the benefit of the doubt The stuff that's being said, it's ridiculous. It's hogwash for people to even assume this. 24, 25 years Mike. You'd think I'd get an inch of respect. An inch. How, how can you prove your innocence?"

SP: I am very uncomfortable with (if not insulted by) the insinuation that someone's performance on the field and good works off the field (of which Roger has many in both categories) should automatically exonerate them from accusation of any wrongdoing when the fact of the matter is there has been enough innuendo and now testimony, along with the circumstantial evidence of body types and durability, to at least wonder if Roger has been using anything at any point in his career. To me, this defense (or complaint) from Roger is a variation of the "Do you know who I am?" defense that athletes will use when getting pulled over for a traffic violation. "He won 354 games, he's been very generous with his time and money, therefore he is above reproach when it comes to the use of performance enhancing drugs even though there is testimony from a guy who trained with him for ten years and even though Roger's body type since leaving Boston has always raised at least some suspicion in an era where many of the stars DO use steroids." To me, the accomplishments/charitable works are mutually exclusive from the allegations.

"CLEMENS: And if if if I have these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, what, where did I get ‘em. Where is the person out there gave ‘em to me? Please, please come forward."

SP: This was the most ridiculous thing that Roger said in the interview. Distributing steroids is illegal and punishable with serious fines and prison time. So we're supposed to believe that because no one has come forward, admitted a felony, and said "I gave Roger Clemens steroids", then there's no way he could have taken them? I should've used this one back in high school when my mom caught me with beer on my breath. "Where is the person that bought me the beer, Mom? Huh? Please, please come forward."

"WALLACE : Why would Brian McNamee want to betray you?

CLEMENS: I don't know. I'm so upset about it, how I treated this man and took care of him.

WALLACE: I imagine he's watching the two of us right now, wouldn't you?

CLEMENS: I hope he is.

WALLACE: Okay. Anything you want to tell him."

SP: Ok, here it is ... your big chance, Roger. Time to take down Brian McNamee. Time to take him down to Chinatown ....

"CLEMENS: Yeah. I treated him fairly. I treated him as great as anybody else. I helped him out!"

SP: Huh? That's it? This guy, according to you, Roger, is LYING and accusing you of unthinkable cheating. He is personally denying you of your legacy. And that's it?!?

"CLEMENS: My body never changed. If he's putting that stuff up in my body, if what he's saying which is totally false, if he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth."

SP: Awesome hyperbole from Roger. If you take steroids like wrestlers from the WWE, you end up with a third ear or pulling tractors with your teeth (or giving nonsensical interviews like this). Nobody is accusing Roger of taking steroids in monstrous amounts or even long cycles. There was a very specific number of injections mentioned in the Mitchell Report, and I'm no doctor but I think that number is far from the amount that would qualify Roger as a "freak". That said, I'll send a 1560 THE GAME t-shirt to the first person to email me a photoshopped JPEG of Roger Clemens with a third ear growing out of his forehead. I would think there has to be one out there by now.

"TRACK: BUT HE DID ASK CLEMENS FOR A FAVOR JUST A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE MITCHELL REPORT CAME OUT.

CLEMENS: He emails me and asks me where all the good fishing equipment is down at Cabo that I bought so he can go fishing. Thank you very much. I said, Have a good time, go fishing. Doesn't say a word that you, that you know I'm fixing to bury you with all these accusations and what do we do about it. Didn't say a word about it. That's what pisses me off."

SP: Holy shit, if this is true, Brian McNamee has cajones the size of church bells. Are you kidding me? See now if I were Roger, I'd have honed in on this. He'd have at least gotten the sympathy of the male population out there because that shit just completely violates the guy code which states specifically in Section 2, paragraph (a) "Thou shalt not ask to use one's fishing equipment in Cabo if thou art about to trash one's Hall of Fame baseball career with accusations of steroid use". Honestly, if Roger had just used this as his character assassination on McNamee, and said "I know what Brian McNamee said, Mike, but honestly how can you believe a guy who would ask to borrow your fishing gear after accusing you of steroid use and not even having the decency to tell you about it?!?" I seriously think 90% of the guys in the United States would've been nodding along like "Yeah, no shit! Fuck you, McNamee!! RAT FUCK!!!" Upon further review, I revise my grade of Roger's Brian McNamee character assassination from an F- to a solid D for at least bringing up this story. He should've stuck with it longer, though. If the interview was twenty minutes long, he should've focused on this "fishing gear" story for eighteen of them.

"WALLACE: What, hold, what did McNamee gain by lying?

CLEMENS: Evidently not going to jail."

SP: McNamee committed perjury to stay OUT of jail? My head is spinning. I guess I need to go commit some felonies to make sure I don't wind up in the clink. Honey, pass me that plate with all of the white powder on it, and get my bookie on the phone .... thanks. Now let's go beat up some old people!!

"WALLACE Why would Brian McNamee tell the truth about Andy Pettitte and lie about you?

CLEMENS: Andy's case is totally is, is totally separate. I was shocked to learn about Andy's situation. Had no idea about it."

SP: Actually, Andy's case is not totally separate from yours. Let's take inventory:

1. You are both named in the Mitchell Report.
   
2. You have the same trainer (who happens to be the same accuser)
3. You've played for the same teams the last decade.
   
4. You work out together.
   
5. You eat together.
   
6. You seemingly don't make a move career-wise without mentioning Andy, to the point where it feels almost uncomfortable discussing it.
7. He is your best friend in baseball.
   

But you had no idea what Andy was doing. Ok then.

"WALLACE And never anabolic steroids?

CLEMENS Never.

WALLACE Swear?

CLEMENS Swear."

SP: I've checked the Swear Handbook and because Roger didn't pinky swear or swear on anyone's soul or grave, this swear is not valid. So I still have my doubts about his innocence .... I mean, if it were a pinky swear I'd be ready to send Brian McNamee up Shit's Creek. I mean, it's a fucking PINKY swear. But just "Swear"? Weak.

Roger went on to discuss the concept of being "guilty until proven innocent" in the United States (which is actually very true), then considered the possibility of taking a lie detector test, and finally wrapped up the interview by retiring for the fourth time in his career.

For the sake of baseball, I'd like to believe Roger Clemens, although I think the era we are in right now is so tainted that to start dissecting everyone's legacies and who may or may not have used something becomes mind numbing and frankly isn't a lot of fun. I'm at the point now where, when it comes to Clemens and McNamee, I'm ready to believe whoever decides to flinch first and take the other guy to court. Seemingly that would be the person who least fears putting his hand on the Bible and speaking truthfully (or perjuring themselves, which Barry Bonds has proven is always a possibility). And it's been said over and over again, but bears mentioning, if Roger is so innocent, then why did he wait so long to speak up? (one of about 20 questions that Mike Wallace failed to ask that should've been asked)

So to be continued, I guess ...

Roger gets one more public forum here in Houston tomorrow before going to Congress on January 16, assuming he can break free from his golf commitments. For Roger's sake, he better hope the people asking him the questions tomorrow throw him some softballs like Gilbert did ...



Somehow, I don't think they're going to ...

Jai Eugene Likes the Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip

The BCS Title Game is a little like the Super Bowl in that part of the gamesmanship centers around handling the media day and all of the idle time. LSU CB Jai Eugene spent part of media day preaching about the construction of a sandwich, and I have to say he is damn good, maybe the best preaching since Reverend Brown in "Coming to America". Yet another example of why the SEC is faster/hipper/cooler/stronger/mo' super dee duper than the Big 10.

Stu Nahan, 1926 - 2007

Lost amidst all of the bowl hoopla, NFL playoffs and general holiday business, last week we lost a true American treasure. Retired sportscaster Stu Nahan passed away at age 81. Some of you may live in Boston and you grew up on Johnny Most; perhaps you grew up in Chicago and find Harry Caray to be the quintessential sports voice. Me? I grew up on Rocky, and therefore Stu Nahan's voice resonates as "big game" to me (or "big fight", as it were).

You can have your "Giants win the pennant!!" or "Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!". Me, I will take "What started out as a joke has turned into a disaster" any day of the week (from Creed-Drago at the MGM in Rocky IV, by the way). He called all of the big fights that mattered to me growing up -- Creed-Balboa I, Creed-Balboa II, Balboa-Lang I, Balboa-Lang II, Creed-Drago. (I'm still bitter USA Network didn't send him to Russia for Balboa-Drago, but that may have been Stu's decision.) His calls of the fights are as synonymous with the Rocky movies as Mickey's inspirational screaming, Paulie's butchering of the English language, or the audience's desire for snipers to take out Adrienne.

Nahan lost his battle with lymphoma on December 26, 2007. His survivors include his widow, Sandy; children Kathy, Mark and Kevin from a previous marriage; five grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren.

In lieu of a ten bell salute, I leave you with video of Stu's finest performance outside of the Rocky saga. The riveting Spicoli interview from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Rest in peace, Stu Nahan. Hopefully, St. Peter gave you as kick ass of a jacket as the network did in this interview ...

"Blondestar in an emergency, this is Sean ... "

Just when we thought that most blonde jokes were played out, we now have blonde jokes in video format to make fun of our aesthetically pleasing, dim witted, golden haired friends ...

C'mon .. it IS Todd Collins, ya know

That SMACK you hear is the collective slapping of the forehead of people who took the Redskins +3 today against the Seahawks, and the thought going through their collective heads is "Sweet Jesus, what the hell was I thinking betting on TODD FREAKING COLLINS?!?! On the ROAD?!? IN SEATTLE?!?!" For a while it looked like the 36-year old career backup might engineer yet another improbable Redskins victory. But in the end, after going up 14-13, Collins apparently decided to have some of whatever Matt Hasselbeck was drinking for the first 52 minutes of the game and he turned back into Todd Collins, Career Scrub. Kudos to the 'Skins for even making the playoffs after the death of Sean Taylor and the season-ending injury to Jason Campbell (although I can't imagine Campbell playing better than Collins did during the month of December).

I would like to thank Collins for spoon feeding the Seahawks two meaningless touchdowns on INT returns. The 35-14 Seahawk win now looks a lot easier on paper than it actually was and just might keep the spread in Green Bay under 7 next weekend. And if that is the case, I will be donating blood, plasma, and any other donate-able bodily fluids this week in order to be in the strongest possible cash position to pound said Packers -7 (or whatever the spread is). Fact is Hasselbeck looked like a basket case for 52 minutes of that game; I don't think the doctor prescribes trips to Green Bay to cure whatever afflicts Hasselbeck.

Stone Cold Bloggin', 1/5/08

First, I want to thank the crew from the Hugging Harold Reynolds blog for organizing and including the Sports Kolache in the NFL Playoffs Fantasy Football contest, where twenty blogs and highly acclaimed blog dwellers will battle for the most illustrious piece of hardware in our business .... seen below ....
For what it's worth, my favorite blog name amongst the competitors? The Lazy Eye of Stuart Scott. If you're looking to start a blog and come up with a catchy name, there's your benchmark.

As Todd Collins runs for his life in Seattle, here are a few time wasters of the link and video variety to get you through this January weekend ...

LINKS

• Wizard of Odds contends something that I've espoused all season -- the SEC is good but not the monster everyone thinks it is. [Wizard of Odds]
• A list of Pat Summerall's announcing screw-ups from Tuesday's Cotton Bowl. Get comfy. [Kansas City Star]
• A most excellent divorce story that yields this shocker -- South Florida football players cheat! No way! Nick Saban must feel vindicated. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]
• And while we're talking about South Florida, here's a link to some pics of a USF cheerleader's Myspace exploits. Gotta love Myspace. [Busted Coverage]
  
• I liked the Kyle Korver trade for the Utah Jazz. I think he's just the type of spot up shooter they need to open things up for Boozer inside. There's a Sixers fan (presumably) who's not as psyched about the deal. HILARIOUS VIDEO ALERT. [Awful Announcing]
• A very helpful flow chart if you are deciding whether or not to eat bacon. [Beer or Kid]
• An Erin Andrews tribute that makes mine look like child's play. [Barstool Sports]
• Worst hairstyles in movies (although I think they were a little hard on the Padme-Leia mother-daughter combo). [Yahoo]
• Speaking of the Skywalker family, if any of you know where I can buy one of these Vader heads, let me know ... because, you know, the Force is strong in my family and shit. [Imperial Holocron]
• Top 25 Sexiest Athletes of 2007. HOT CHICK ALERT. Although no Sue Bird on the list does detract from their credibility. [Coed Magazine]

VIDEOS

Thanks to the good folks at the My Meat on Your Grill tailgater at Texans games, I'd like to think that Harris and I are out in front of this "Beer Pong is the sport of the new millenium" trend. Here is a video about the World Series of Beer Pong ...

Next, I'm sure that most of you have seen this bone-jarring, teeth-dislodging hit on the Titans' Chris Henry by Darrell Reid of the Colts ....



I'm hoping that maybe this video of rugby hits (NOTE: NO PADS) will make Chris Henry and his family feel a little bit better ....



If they ever decide to do a Sesame Street movie with actual people playing the part of Muppets, this video should sew up the campaign for Pesci and DeNiro as Ernie and Bert, respectively ....




Staying with the mob theme, and in honor of Robert Loggia's 78th birthday this week, here is a recap of the Paulie vs Feech Lawn Wars from 2004 on the Sopranos ....

Tuna Era Begins in Miami

The Bill Parcells Era is underway in Miami, and the Tuna has begun the necessary deconstruction that will proceed the reconstruction of this once proud franchise (and frankly, if anyone has caught Mercury Morris' act in the last few months, you might argue too proud franchise). Like any good builder, Tuna is going to be required to tear down the entire infrastructure of this 1-15 crack house before building the 10 bedroom palatial estate. Therefore, exit Randy Mueller as GM and exit Cam Cameron as head coach.

Cam Cameron's ouster makes his act at last year's Dolphin draft party all the more laughable. Remember his unveiling of the Ted Ginn, Jr. selection?



If I may transcribe (my comments in italics):

CAM: "Good afternoon everybody! Hey, we gotta get that thumb to go this direction ... [gives thumbs up sign to fans presumably giving the thumbs down sign]"

(Uh Cam, those aren't thumbs they're raising at you .... )

"Let me tell you about the young man we just drafted .... he's a young man named Ted Ginn, Jr., and we drafted the Ginn family. I've known this family for over ten years. I've watched this young man for a long time."

("We drafted the Ginn family" has got to be one of the most underrated idiotic quotes of all time. You drafted the Ginn family? Really Cam? So what is Ginn, Sr's 40 time? Can Ted Ginn's aunt bring the heat off the edge? How well does his 9 year old cousin run between the tackles? I've been a Steeler fan my whole life and I can honestly say that I don't even care if the guys the Steelers draft even have families. Yeesh, it took this long to fire this guy? He should've been capped on draft day!)

"You're gonna be thrilled every time you watch him as a punt returner, because he's gonna be a great returner for us."

(Yep, they spent the 9th overall pick on a return specialist. To Ginn's credit, he was 29th in kickoff return average and 6th in punt return average. YAY!!!!)

"Ted Ginn and his family will give us everything they have, I promise you that...."

(At this point it was getting tough to transcribe amidst the chants of "BRADY! BRADY! BRADY!" but I think Cameron was once again selling us on Ginn's family, perhaps even mentioning Ted's grandmother's lasagna and having movie night over at Ted's house.)

"I would say this, we're gonna put together a draft class....that's gonna make you proud."

(John Beck ... Lorenzo Booker ... and a couple guys from Hawaii ... awesome.)

So the Cameron Era is over. We raise our glasses to the near perfection of 1-15 and turn our attention to the future. Who will the Tuna select to fill Cameron's microscopic shoes? Well, I'll leave this one to the no-nonsense reporting of Kige Ramsey/Youtube Sports ....




Yeah, yeah I know Kige said "Tony Soprano". Many of the comments below his video indicate he meant "Tony Sparano" of the Cowboys. I beg to differ. I think he did mean Tony Soprano, and that when he said "Maurice Carthon" he meant to say "Michael Corleone". Kige is a visionary who likely sees some value in having fictitious mobsters run the Dolphins. Let's face it, it can't be any worse than Cam Cameron.