HO-EY 101

Those of you who had the -2000 moneyline on "One of the Spears girls will test positive for pregnancy in 2007" can cash your tickets in. You were bailed out yesterday and it came from an unlikely source -- Britney's little sis Jamie Lynn. (Of course, "unlikely" is a relative term when it comes to the Spears girls. Whereas Britney seemed like a mortal lock to conceive a child on a table in a Starbucks while slurping on a frappucino in 2007, I'd say the odds on Jamie Lynn getting knocked up in 2007 were a little bit longer -- like somewhere around "Lindsay Lohan goes to rehab".)

At any rate, a lot of us saw Jamie Lynn as the next great hope to take over the mantle of "World's #1" that her sister inexplicably decided to vacate in the last few years amidst a sea of cigarette butts, cellulite, and bad music. And now those hopes and dreams are dashed.

The only thing left to watch now is to see if Jamie Lynn can outskank Britney, and I have to say that getting pregnant before she can vote is about as solid a first move as JL could have. Of course, she needs to realize that she's going up against the Master and that she'll need to bring her A-game. This is a good start. Britney started cranking out inadvertent offspring in her early 20's; Jamie Lynn is basically saying "Yeah, well watch this!" and cranking one out in her teens - and outside of wedlock, no less!! Well played!!

My plea to Jamie Lynn -- don't stop there. If you're NOT going to take the Next Hot Pop Star baton, then please, please, PLEASE strive to out-trainwreck your sister. Britney had two pregnancy mistakes with K-Fed; you go have five -- with five DIFFERENT guys. Britney guzzles whipped cream and frozen coffee by the quart; you go guzzle it by the gallon -- and chase it with a double-double animal-style. Britney runs over the foot of a paparazzi in her Mercedes; you go rent a Hummer and mow them down like a John Deere tractor in a wheat field.

Basically, I'm asking you to become the Pedro Martinez to Britney's Ramon. We all remember Ramon Martinez, Dodger phenom who won 20 games in 1990 and went on to become a solid to sometimes spectacular starting pitcher throughout the early 90's. Then in 1994 along came his brother Pedro, who decided to take his brother's game and amp it up about 1,000-fold. Three Cy Young's and 200+ wins later, we all know how that turned out.

So Jamie Lynn, it's all right there for you. You are Pedro. Zoey is dead. It's Ho-ey time! Make it happen.

BONUS VIDEO



"My sister is a handful. We are soooo different." Uh, not really.